Danksgiving: The True Story of America’s First Holiday

The traditional story of Thanksgiving tells of a feast shared with new friends and neighbors, but what if the real story is even more awesome?

To be honest I have always been a little suspicious of the Thanksgiving story. Apparently a bunch of Native Americans shared their bountiful harvest with early European settlers, kicking off a long tradition of gluttony and unnecessary annual anxiety.

First of all, the traditions clearly go back to European immigrants ancestral pagan cultures with their harvest festivals and other celebratory calendar traditions. On top of that the natives did not partake in agricultural excess, so having expendable stores was unlikely. But the biggest issue is that – why, when the long winter is staring you directly in the face, would you eat all of the food you need to get through it? Why waste food on an extravagant feast when every morsel could be the one that gets you to the first blooms of spring?

See, it just doesn’t make any sense.

So if the food likely came from the pilgrims and was highly valued, there must have been some better reason for the feast.

Here is what I think happened.

After a long year of tending to their fields the pilgrims kicked off their shiny buckled shoes to relax, grabbed ye olde bong and then thought – SHIT, we forgot to grow some pot!

Somebody said that they knew some natives who had some fire dank, so the settlers reached out and asked them if they could “…maybe just get a few buds until we hook up next year, then we will get you back.”

The natives were like, “Yeah, we could probably hook you up.”

But you know how natives are, they hate it when you score some weed from them then take off right away. They want you to stick around and smoke and hang out. So the pilgrims did. And soon everybody was high as fuck. Then they started getting hungry.

“Hey, what if instead of paying us back gram per gram, we give you the in-house price if you guys make like a whole shit ton of food and we all get our chew on?”

At first the pilgrims were hesitant, “Gee guys, that is all that we have to get us through the winter.”

Then one of the natives gave them the old, “No, it’s cool if you are scared. I mean, there’s lots of roots and game, but if you noobs can’t hang, we understand.”

Suddenly pie pans were being greased and gobblers were hitting the guillotine, while gravy boats capsized with gooey goodness and somebody got the stoney idea to put marshmallows on sweet potatoes.

The first Danksgiving was underway.

Over the years relations between the two groups declined. As the natives completely forgot about the holiday, the ancestors of and new European settlers had slowly changed the story about how the holiday came about. It was also a nicer story than telling their children about the genocidal pogroms they had committed against the natives.

As American English dialects changed, the harder ‘d’ sound was replaced by the ‘th’ sound.

Finally, with the mass commercialization of American holidays by the same oligarchs who prohibited the sacred medicine herb, the true story of Danksgiving was lost.

Until now.

And that is how it really happened.


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