The Top Five Dangers of Ingesting Cannabis

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Ingesting cannabis is mostly good, clean fun; but there are a few pitfalls to look out for and these are the top five dangers.

 

1. Wizardry

Wizardry is marijuana’s elephant-in-the-room. We all know it is happening but none of us want to talk about it. Every stoner knows a handful of other stoners who at one point or another passed through the gateway of abuse and began using spells and enchantments to escape the drudgery of everyday life. I have seen a dozen stoners who eventually became so disenchanted with normative reality that they would have to sneak off to a bathroom stall several times a day at work just to cast minor summons or get a quick-fix of necromancy.

2. Rap Metal

While no studies have been able to conclusively indicate a direct link between cannabis use and rap metal, the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. 97% of all rap metal musicians and 94% of their fans have admitted to using cannabis regularly during sustained periods either recently or in the past. With marijuana themes occurring so regularly in rap metal music and culture, one could easily deduce that cannabis use increases the risk of ending up in that unfortunate scene.

3. Second Puberty

As of this writing the medical establishment refuses to even admit the existence of second puberty, but nonetheless it is a condition which occasionally destroys a stoners life. Second puberty sufferers will re-experience all of the awkward emotional and psychological stresses of puberty while remaining in their adult bodies, however many of the afflicted also see their complexions worsen for a few years while bodily hair increases more rapidly than prior to onset. It is estimated that only 1 in 70,000 cannabis users will experience second puberty, but those who do are left to bear its trauma alone until medical science officially recognizes the condition and attempts to treat/cure it.

4. Spontaneous Teleportation

Although it is ten times more rare than second puberty, it is also ten times as devastating. Most of those who experience spontaneous teleportation find themselves fused to objects that were occupying the space they randomly teleported to, almost always resulting in a painful and undignified death. Yet some researchers are saying that it is not the cannabis causing it, but the grow chemicals used. Those affected by spontaneous teleportation hope that studies can shed more light on what it was about getting high that caused them or their loved to instantly transport 7 feet to the right and merge with a standing lamp.

5. Sleep Vampirism

By far the greatest epidemic among marijuana users is a disproportionately high likelihood to feed off the blood of other human beings while you sleep. Even though sleep vampirism leaves no trace and does not seem to hurt the victims, like any sort of unconscious nocturnal behaviors it can be deadly to the moonlit bloodsuckers themselves. Every year thousands of stoners out looking for prey or returning home after engorging themselves on blood have been killed in accidents ranging from getting hit by cars to walking off a highrise building. Feeding on blood has a psychotropic effect, which is to relax and reduce inhibitions, meaning less likelihood that the person will wake up during their episodes.

 

Until we move on from the Reefer Madness era scaremongering of prohibitionists we can not have serious talks about the real issues facing cannabis users. Problems which science might someday help solve if we can get over abstinence only narratives and work towards reducing harm.

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