Thursday morning the Pentagon announced it had taken drastic measures to neutralize the terrorist group ISIS who were hiding in an Afghanistan cave complex.
Tensions in the middle east have been rising for decades, but have risen even more sharply in the past few weeks. Today those tensions came to a head when the United States military dropped off the largest non-nuclear water pipe along with nearly a quarter ton of dank nugs.
“Things have been escalating, as you are aware, and it was time to take some drastic action to calm things down,” General Harry Garcia told the press at a conference a few hours later. “We considered bombing them but then realized that this would just cause further escalation, cost innocent lives and threaten the welfare of the American people in numerous ways. So in the best interest of everyone we decided getting them high as fuck might chill things out a little.”
So far it seems to have worked. Following the bonging ISIS released a new video. Only instead of beheading someone or making threats they levied a complex argument in favor of Tool’s Aenima being a better match to play over the Wizard of Oz than Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.
“Roger Waters could never have understood the angst of Dorothy, which is much better expressed by the existential howling of Maynard,” claimed an unknown masked ISIS leader. “But you have to start the album two seconds after the MGM lion roars for it to match up just right.”
UN has released a statement in support of the action.
“To be honest we aren’t sure why somebody didn’t think of this sooner. This has the potential to change world relations in unforeseen ways.”
General Harry Garcia also said that the US plans to use this strategy to neutralize conflict worldwide.
A White House spokesperson told the media that they are working with the DEA and Department of Agriculture to convert many farming operations into massive cannabis grows.
“Once we grew hemp for war, but now we shall grow pot for peace.”
The water pipe, known by the military as the “mother of all bongs” (MOAB), is a fourteen foot glass tube with eight gas mask attachments and a bowl that can reportedly hold up to a full ounce in skunky payload. This is the first time it has ever been deployed outside of military tests at Bonnaroo.
There has been no word by any US official on the existence of nuclear bongs, whose announcement came as a surprise to blowers everywhere.
Tool could not be reached for comment.